The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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