he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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