i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I feel like abortions should bother me more
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
