She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
