I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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