I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
