Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
