...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
