Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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