my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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