After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize