I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
