swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
