i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
