I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
