Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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