The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
