no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
