I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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