He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
