So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize