Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
