I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
