i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
