So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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