did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
