Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize