sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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