did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
