if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
