you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Randomize