The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
