There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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