Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We need to get me chipped asap
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
