i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
