he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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