I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
