I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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