so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
