oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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