Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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