The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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