he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
