It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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