i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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