I hate all girls vehemently.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize