There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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