Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
