I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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