is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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