I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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