This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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