Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
