I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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