I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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