Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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