Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
