if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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