we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
