can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
