I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
