She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Your penis caused this!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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