My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
