Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
