Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
