This is not my ceiling
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
