i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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