My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
